Miss you Already....

Justin left Saturday the 21, in the morning.

Aydan woke up Tuesday crying for his daddy.

He came into our room, climbed into bed, snuggled his little body next to mine, and after a moment he asked,

"Where's daddy?"

"He's still at AT baby."

"Why?"

"Because that's part of daddy's job."

"I want him to come home. I miss him. I love him. I just want him to be home!

Now Aydan is sobbing, burring his head into me, in pain.

"Daddy will be home soon. He misses you too!"

I tried hard to be strong, but I couldn't bear to see my broken hearted little guy in so much pain.

I lost it. I had no more control.

We called daddy...in hopes that he would not be busy, and answer.

No answer.

I squeezed Aydan.

I held him, wishing that all of his pain could seap into me, and he could feel no pain.

We held each other.

I comforted him. I told him daddy would be home soon.

It's true. He will be home soon.

Little does Aydan know that he will be gone again. It's hard to explain to him.

This time for much, much longer.

I know.

I know about the big, scary, monster behind the corner.

Aydan stopped crying, and was just laying next to me.

My phone rings.

It's Justin!

I answer, in explanation that it is a bad morning.

I hand the phone over to Aydan.

The sound of his daddy's voice breaks him.

He couldn't even speak.

The look on his face was heart wrenching.

It made me sick.

Because I know about the monster.

I sit next to Aydan, silently sobbing, trying my hardest not to cry.

But my sweet boys face.

It was too much.

Aydan warns daddy to come home.

Hands the phone to me.

I knew I had to make that moment on the phone with Justin quick. I wasn't being strong. I was hurt.

I sucked it up.

Tried my best to not sound like I was crying, and hung up.

That was our Tuesday Morning.

The first day that I felt it.

The gut wrenching pain. He's going to be gone.

I can deal. I'll be alright. I'm strong.

I've been putting up a front. I feel like I'm being arrogant.

People ask me, when I tell them,

"Oh my gosh, are you going to be ok?'

"What are you going to do?"

"How will you survive without him for a year?"

"You are in my prayers and thoughts."

We'll be ok. I'm forcing myself to be positve.

I feel like I'm drowning in postive, to hide the ONE BIG NEGATIVE.

Do I have to say it?

It crosses my mind a thousand times a day.

It's impossible to even realize that it's possible.

What if he doesn't come home?

Not being able to have our years together.

Not seeing his face, not feeling him, not smelling him, not talking to him.

That's impossible.

Not difficult, but impossible.

The chance is there, and because it's there, it's what makes the whole thing fragile.
I want to cry at least 20 times a day. That thought pops into my head, and I feel icky.
I feel my whole world crashing down.
I don't cry because Justin will miss vacations, holidays, birthdays, that stuff is just stuff.
And I have a video camera. That stuff is do-able.
What's not do-able is him not coming back to us.

Through this time I will figure out how to comfort Aydan.

My motherly instincts are srtong to protect my children.

But, how do you protect them from something that you have no control over?

I can't stop Aydan's broken heart.

I can only ease him into thinking positve.

Thankfully Aydan is too young yet to realize the BIG NEGATIVE.

He will only miss him.

A lot.

And Traceon, he won't know anything.

He will just make us laugh, by being cute. He'll snuggle with us when it's a bad day. He'll be there for us.

I am thankful for this opportunity. I am. I am so proud, I could burst at times.

Proud of us. Proud that we get to stand up for something. As a family, we are one.

We can do this!

My dear sweet Aydan. You are my world. The wonder and possibility in your eyes astounds me. I felt it when you were growing inside my belly. You are the truest gifts I've ever recieved. You have changed my life forever. Not just because you made me a mom, but because of the way you are.

You are so smart. You want to know everything! You have the most wonderful imagination, and create mind blowing worlds! I cannot believe that you are going to Preschool! My little preschooler! You are so excited. You have all your school supplies packed up in your ARMY backpack of course. We went to go pick a bag out, you saw that one, and were hooked! I'm not ready, but I know you are. You will love it!

Don't change my dear sweet Aydan.

Be this way forever.

Be crazy. Color outside the lines. Be extrodinary.

Be you!

I'm here. Your daddy's here. You are ours. We love you to the moon and back times a trillon!

My dear precious Traceon. You are my universe. You make every moment with you amazing! You are so happy all the time! You were just bursting with joy when you were born. You needed to share it with the world! It is you that makes me positve. It is you that makes the early mornings worth it! You are everything I had hoped for and more! You make me a better person everyday! You are crawling around, getting in to everything, all day! You are close to maybe thinking about taking your first steps!

Don't change my precious baby!

My precious smiley boy!

Carry that on with you. Be that person forever!

Be you! The most that you can!

Mommy and Daddy love you, we are here to protect you, to watch you grown, to teach you things. You are ours. No one knows you like we do. No one will.

We love you to infinity and back!

If you are crying, I didn't mean for it. I don't mean to be all dramatic, it just helps to write to my people.
You are my people. You love us. You care for us. You are here for us. I know this, and I am forever grateful for you. Thanks for listening.